Creating a movie franchise out of every superhero ever conceived is the name of the game, and has been for some time. However, whereas a decade ago producers could afford to irk the hardcore fans because the average cinema-goer’s buck was guaranteed, we’re all now trained to spot a generic origin story from a mile away.
As such, doing justice to the source material has never been more essential. When done well, the end result are $1bn-grossing behemoths such as The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises which topped 2012’s earners list. When studios try to pass off lazy filler, we end up with… well, let’s not talk about the Green Lantern.
With the need to push the boundaries, here are six superheroes they’ll probably never be brave enough to option.
But if they did, here’s how it’d be done:
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Brother Power the Geek
Brother Power is usually high-up the list of ‘weirdest superhero’ polls, but to be honest I’m not sure why. Sure, the fact that he’s an animated, pacifist shop mannequin puts him on the fringe of normal, his origins aren’t that weird compared to his other 60s contemporaries and at least his powers (strength, leaping and some telekinesis) were pretty formidable.
Regardless, he’d surely be a bit of a minefield to sell as a movie. Or would he?
How We’d Pitch It: Piece of cake. This wouldn’t be pitched as a superhero, but as a dark reimagining of the 1987 film, Mannequin.
Who’d Direct It: While Neil Gaiman doesn’t have mountains of experience as a director, but this would be right up his alley. He did write a very convincing Brother Power incarnation in a short story in the 90s, in which he appeared as an elemental.
Who’d Play the Lead: Keanu Reeves would be ideal as Brother Power, a character made of wood. ZING!
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Danny the Street
An actual urban street, which is a sentient male transvestite and has the power of teleportation.
Sure, why not.
How We’d Pitch It: A two-hour portrait of suburban America, centralized around Daniel St. (located in a nameless town symbolizing any small town in the States) and its residents. Set initially in the 1920s, the film will follow the lives of those who move in and out of the street over the course of decades and the affect of global events from history on the community’s mentality. The interweaving and heart-felt storylines are narrated by the street itself.
Who’d Direct It: Ang Lee.
Who’d Play the Lead: Morgan Freeman has to play the narrative voice of Daniel St., otherwise let’s forget it.
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Dogwelder
He welds dogs to bad guys’ faces. And what?
How We’d Pitch It: You know how films like The Punisher and Crank inexplicably sell cinema tickets? Yeah.
Who’d Direct It: Jason Statham.
Who’d Play the Lead: Jason Statham.
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Arm-Fall-Off Boy
Exactly what he says on the tin – his arms fall off. Or rather, he’s able to detach them and use them as clubs. The reason Arm-Fall-Off Boy sounds like a joke is because he was; he only made a few DC appearances and was purposely introduced as a throwaway, laughable character.
The Legion rejected him from their ranks on pretty obvious grounds, but would he receive the same cold-shoulder from cinema-goers? Not necessarily…
How We’d Pitch It: Stricken with a horrific and rare syndrome since birth, Floyd Belkin’s struggles with Armfalloffitis bring him more hardship than the tribulations of the disease itself. Seeking solace in reading and comic books, can the introverted Belkin overcome the social stigmas of a world determined to alienate those who challenge the secure-limbed status quo?
Who’d Direct It: Whoever did The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
Who’d Play the Lead: Johnny Depp. Naturally.
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Crazy Jane
The story (and character) of Crazy Jane, or Kay Challis, or Miranda, or any of her 90-odd personalities, is probably one of the most likely on this list to actually become a movie.
Jane is a genuinely interesting and inherently dark character, and it’s not easy to accurately portray true madness in the comic medium. But she is as mad as a box of frogs; a series of psychologically devastating incidents (beginning with incestual rape at a young age) gave rise to an extreme schizophrenia with nearly a hundred different personalities, each with their own character and superpower.
What’s more, each personality resides in its own interconnected subway system when it’s not dominating her mind. Beneath these is ‘The Well’, occupied by the memory of her father, in which her personalities go to be destroyed. Should this happen the station which the persona left behind is filled instead with an unspeakable and deadly horror which can’t be observed directly.
So, plenty to go off then, even if it would take an MFA filmmaking degree to organise it into any semblance of a coherent movie.
How We’d Pitch It: A nightmarish exploration through the very heart of darkness; if you thought Black Swan was twisted, meet Crazy Jane.
Who’d Direct It: Speaking of Black Swan, Darren Aronofsky is the prime candidate here. It would also be interesting to see how Shane Meadows would handle it if you gave him a massive budget (and assured him he’s allowed to use it all).
Who’d Play the Lead: It would have to be Helena Bonham Carter.
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Aquaman
For such a silly character, he turned out to be one of the most admirable and respected in DC history. Sadly, he’s also one of the most unfilmable and we’re still unsure as to how (or even if) he’ll be handled in the upcoming Justice League movie.
How We’d Pitch It: Probably wouldn’t bother, really. It’s never going to work as a full-length movie let alone a franchise, so…
…oh. Right.
This is a sponsored post.
As such, doing justice to the source material has never been more essential. When done well, the end result are $1bn-grossing behemoths such as The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises which topped 2012’s earners list. When studios try to pass off lazy filler, we end up with… well, let’s not talk about the Green Lantern.
With the need to push the boundaries, here are six superheroes they’ll probably never be brave enough to option.
But if they did, here’s how it’d be done:
Brother Power the Geek
Brother Power is usually high-up the list of ‘weirdest superhero’ polls, but to be honest I’m not sure why. Sure, the fact that he’s an animated, pacifist shop mannequin puts him on the fringe of normal, his origins aren’t that weird compared to his other 60s contemporaries and at least his powers (strength, leaping and some telekinesis) were pretty formidable.
Regardless, he’d surely be a bit of a minefield to sell as a movie. Or would he?
How We’d Pitch It: Piece of cake. This wouldn’t be pitched as a superhero, but as a dark reimagining of the 1987 film, Mannequin.
Who’d Direct It: While Neil Gaiman doesn’t have mountains of experience as a director, but this would be right up his alley. He did write a very convincing Brother Power incarnation in a short story in the 90s, in which he appeared as an elemental.
Who’d Play the Lead: Keanu Reeves would be ideal as Brother Power, a character made of wood. ZING!
Danny the Street
An actual urban street, which is a sentient male transvestite and has the power of teleportation.
Sure, why not.
How We’d Pitch It: A two-hour portrait of suburban America, centralized around Daniel St. (located in a nameless town symbolizing any small town in the States) and its residents. Set initially in the 1920s, the film will follow the lives of those who move in and out of the street over the course of decades and the affect of global events from history on the community’s mentality. The interweaving and heart-felt storylines are narrated by the street itself.
Who’d Direct It: Ang Lee.
Who’d Play the Lead: Morgan Freeman has to play the narrative voice of Daniel St., otherwise let’s forget it.
Dogwelder
He welds dogs to bad guys’ faces. And what?
How We’d Pitch It: You know how films like The Punisher and Crank inexplicably sell cinema tickets? Yeah.
Who’d Direct It: Jason Statham.
Who’d Play the Lead: Jason Statham.
Arm-Fall-Off Boy
Exactly what he says on the tin – his arms fall off. Or rather, he’s able to detach them and use them as clubs. The reason Arm-Fall-Off Boy sounds like a joke is because he was; he only made a few DC appearances and was purposely introduced as a throwaway, laughable character.
The Legion rejected him from their ranks on pretty obvious grounds, but would he receive the same cold-shoulder from cinema-goers? Not necessarily…
How We’d Pitch It: Stricken with a horrific and rare syndrome since birth, Floyd Belkin’s struggles with Armfalloffitis bring him more hardship than the tribulations of the disease itself. Seeking solace in reading and comic books, can the introverted Belkin overcome the social stigmas of a world determined to alienate those who challenge the secure-limbed status quo?
Who’d Direct It: Whoever did The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.
Who’d Play the Lead: Johnny Depp. Naturally.
Crazy Jane
The story (and character) of Crazy Jane, or Kay Challis, or Miranda, or any of her 90-odd personalities, is probably one of the most likely on this list to actually become a movie.
Jane is a genuinely interesting and inherently dark character, and it’s not easy to accurately portray true madness in the comic medium. But she is as mad as a box of frogs; a series of psychologically devastating incidents (beginning with incestual rape at a young age) gave rise to an extreme schizophrenia with nearly a hundred different personalities, each with their own character and superpower.
What’s more, each personality resides in its own interconnected subway system when it’s not dominating her mind. Beneath these is ‘The Well’, occupied by the memory of her father, in which her personalities go to be destroyed. Should this happen the station which the persona left behind is filled instead with an unspeakable and deadly horror which can’t be observed directly.
So, plenty to go off then, even if it would take an MFA filmmaking degree to organise it into any semblance of a coherent movie.
How We’d Pitch It: A nightmarish exploration through the very heart of darkness; if you thought Black Swan was twisted, meet Crazy Jane.
Who’d Direct It: Speaking of Black Swan, Darren Aronofsky is the prime candidate here. It would also be interesting to see how Shane Meadows would handle it if you gave him a massive budget (and assured him he’s allowed to use it all).
Who’d Play the Lead: It would have to be Helena Bonham Carter.
Aquaman
For such a silly character, he turned out to be one of the most admirable and respected in DC history. Sadly, he’s also one of the most unfilmable and we’re still unsure as to how (or even if) he’ll be handled in the upcoming Justice League movie.
How We’d Pitch It: Probably wouldn’t bother, really. It’s never going to work as a full-length movie let alone a franchise, so…
…oh. Right.
This is a sponsored post.