The Apprentice Series 9 - Episode 1 Review

It's that time again. For the next 12 weeks, 16 deluded business people will make utter tits of themselves for our entertainment in an effort to win a £250,000 investment from the Finger Point of Doom, Lord Sugar.

I do love The Apprentice, but the first episode is always a difficult one to judge on whether the series will be any good. Trying to establish 16 candidates in an hour's worth of television is an impossible task - unless Joss Whedon is writing the script - so you tend to feel like the new kid in the office trying to remember people's names. So, just like I did last year, I'll just refer to people by one of their attributes unless I can remember their names. It may not show my professionality (remember that one Apprentice fans?), but it's all I've got for now.

After the usual bombastic talking head interviews to set up the candidates (which surprisingly didn't bring as many laughs as you'd think), we got our two teams into the board room to find out the opening task. In a change of pace however, Lord Sugar Daddy asked the candidates who wanted to be Project Manager from the get go rather than the usual rigmarole where people sit down and talk over each other trying to establish superiority (they saved that for later). Putting themselves forward for what is essentially a one way ticket to firedsville if you fail, was Jaz for the ladies and Tory MP for the boys.

Is it just me, or does Jaz look like Mel B from Bo' Selecta?

Putting her hand up straight away like the teacher's pet was not the quickest way to make friends and things didn't go much better as the Optimist Prime was greeted by a fair few Negatrons in her group. Most notably was Sour Face (Luisa?) who seemed to think she was better than everyone without much to back up her argument. She even at one point told a doctor that she would be better at selling than her because, no offence, 'you're a doctor'. Y'know, because seven years in medical school is essentially like travelling around Australia and working in bars after your third year. Also in the Negatron camp was Nose Stud (Uzma?) who, for lack of a better term, did her make-up like she was about to go on Take Me Out. She may run a couple of businesses, but nose studs do not belong in the business world "darling".

Tory MP didn't have much luck with his ragtag of boys either who unimpressively called their team 'Endeavour' - which is less, 'let's go and win' and more, 'it's the taking part that counts'. Poor old Tory MP (Jason?) was never going to succeed when his team were more interested in going into business for themselves as opposed to working as a team with Neil being the main culprit. You'll notice that I remembered his name because, and I suppose he deserves credit for this, he didn't let me forget it. Although he didn't put himself forward for Project Manager, he acted as the back seat driver who 'project managed' over his Project Manager just so he'd have some ammunition going into the board room in case the task goes nipples north. Some might call it a clever tactic; Karen Brady didn't seem impressed.

The other highlight of team 'we'll try our best, honest' was Dracula lookalike Alex who has the freakiest eyebrows you'll ever see. I'm not convinced anyone has ever said that he looks like Freddie Mercury, but he licked his eyebrows which makes him a hero in my eyes. But if it wasn't for him, then Bopping Tim would have been my favourite member of the team with his non-stop raver movements that reminded me of a Super Punch-Out!! opponent. 

The task itself saw our two teams be given a shipping container of imported goods that they would have to sell throughout the day including bottled water, loo roll, novelty cups, ukuleles, lucky cats and bubble wrap. Should be easy to sell right? I mean, everyone needs one of those lucky cats right..?

So where do you sell these tatty pieces of crap that you only really see in Chinese restaurants? Chinatown of course!

Yes, Mel B's team (named Evolve) headed to Chinatown to sell tacky plastic crap that shop owners can get better and cheaper from China. This led to some fairly embarrassing moments including showing up to the stores at 9am - about an hour before the stores actually opened. On the other side of London, Team 'just give it your best' got the brilliant idea of selling these waving nightmares to a casino - because the patrons in there need luck. Credit where credit is due, that was a brilliant idea. Granted the deal came with them having to buy some batteries for them, but that's beside the point.

Mel B also closed a deal on novelty cups only to find that he was a mere shop assistant and he needed to ask for an adult. She was not having a good day.

Despite her claims that Doctor Irish would be rubbish at selling, Sour Face did have one of my favourite lines of the show when she said, "hello? We've got a big load of cat litter and I was wondering if Mutt's Nutts would want them?". Not only would she probably not make it as a lowly doctor, but she wouldn't make it as a vet either.

While Mel B was struggling to manage her team, Doctor Irish (Leah?) proved that she was more than capable of getting her sub team in line. She delegated the tasks well, made sure they followed through with them and drove them to the biggest sales of the day. I know we're only in the early stages, but she could be a contender.

Back in the board room, Lord Sugar Daddy did his usual rights act where he pointed out everything they did wrong while rarely praising them for stuff they did right (which was very little). The teams discussed how Tory MP didn't actually Project Manage (guess who spearheaded that conversation?) and how Mel B was more of a cheerleader than team leader in the usual 'you took the role of Project Manager so you're in line for the chopping block' routine. Neil showed that he was an utter tool, Alex got Neil's name wrong and Leah again showed she was level headed by standing up for Nose Stud who called people "darling". It was your usual first episode board room fodder.

With the boys team winning by a mere £58, the girls headed off to The Sad Face Cafe while the lads went back to the swanky house for what looked like a starter but was probably a main course. Fingers of blame were pointed amongst Evolve as usual and it seemed all but certain that Mel B was heading for the Taxi Ride of Shame.

As predicted, she was the focus of finger pointing but she did try to deflect some of her criticisms to Nose Stud for not selling (which wasn't her delegated role) and Sophie for not pulling her weight (which was mostly true). Lord Sugar Daddy saw through this poor deflection and gave her the predictable Finger Point of Doom making her the "first casualty of the board room".

I'll be honest, this wasn't the greatest opening episode of The Apprentice but, as I said earlier, it's hard to judge the series on this first showing. There is far too much going on and I swear half of the people on both teams didn't even say hello let alone sell anything. Neil looks like he could be either the most hated man on the show or the most loved because he's such a tool, Leah showed that she could be the quiet assassin that makes it quite far (à la Stella English) and Take Me Out Nose Stud wears far too much make up. And a nose stud.

Firing Mel B was the easiest and most obvious option, but it was also the right one. She did make for a good, "wooo yeah team wooo" motivator, but her project management left a lot to be desired. Having said that, I can't see Sophie lasting much longer either.

Apprentice Advice of the week - don't be too eager to put your hand up in the first week, no matter what is asked of you. And don't wear nose studs - Internet reviewers will pick up on it and not let it go.

Apprentice Quote of the week - "People think I'm a bimbo because I have fake hair, fake nails and fake boobs" - Sour Face Luisa. In all fairness love, you're not doing yourself any favours.

The Apprentice is back on TV tonight and you can follow my thoughts as I live tweet at @lukewritesstuff

Luke Owen is one of Flickering Myth's co-editors and the host of the Month in Review show for Flickering Myth's Podcast Network. You can follow him on Twitter @LukeWritesStuff.